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I do believe men are capable of anything. And I am not only referring to extreme situations. I don’t believe to do good is the natural human behavior. I cannot remember ever believing that. Wishing it, yes... And without seeing a contradiction, I also believe that the urge to do good can very well come naturally.

What keeps me wondering, though, is this:
What's naturally? Is behavior of a child a clue? I hope not.

I’ve been through all the general school systems Germany can provide: Grundschule, Hauptschule, Realschule, Gymnasium. And now I’m here, still expecting the worst. I am able and willing to see beauty in things. But most of the time, I go straight to the dark side. I make myself familiar with it. Then it will not surprise me if it decides to reveal itself on other terms than my own.

So, no, I am not shocked. I am not shocked that there is evil. It’s not odd that there still is the brutality next door, it’s not astonishing at all to find racist exploitation in western clothing factories today. No. Not at all. How come it shocked them?
It’s  horrible, but not unbelievably horrible, that one student shoots the other. Civilized men are civilized, yes, but still, they are men.

This is the point where my former me would wince, breathing in air - hearable; almost ... as if to make a statement of opposition.

Today’s me glances around, tries to peek a reaction, categorizes: Who’s reacting on what I just stated? Who is just giving a reation? How many are only acting it up, believing, they do wrong, if they’re not showing off a frown? We should frown now, right? Let's all frown!
How many of my fellow students believe outside reactions always mirror inner realities? Everyone wants to make sure that they show off a clean, sober, moderate, ethical inner life. So they frown, a we-are-not-horrible frown. And I wonder: How many even go so far believing outside reactions should mirror inside realities? How many disconnect the one from the other, whilst still presenting a natural appearance of self?

But what’s naturally? I want to know. I don’t want to know. I do. I do not. Do I have to know?

I expect people to lie – to me. On an regular basis. I expect people to treasure the honor of their own goals above the honor of truth. Though, I very much would like it to be the other way around. In the end, I just don’t believe the human beast is fit to meet it’s self-requirements, it's own expectations. The beast just also happens to be a wonderful artist. It can talk, it can paint, it can sing, it can construct – beautiful lies, convincing even the liar.

The age of all these thoughts, those upsetting realizations, the time of their birth - that childhood has long past. I'm used to it now. All shock, a teenage memory. Often I'm even repelled by something as stupid as shock. How come they are shocked?

But, you see: I don’t look back, thinking, I lost something (maybe even myself). I did not. I still feel. All of it. From joy to horror, from alarm to compassion. I haven’t lost something. Well, maybe shock. Or not.
Actually, I believe the opposite happened. I am more than before. There is – let’s put it poetic: there is a voice that hadn’t been there seven years ago. It tells me: It’s ok. It must be. It’s NOT okay for what should be. But somehow it is ok for what is. It must. Just watch and wait.

This voice doesn’t shield me from disappointment, it doesn’t. But... it saves me from numbness. It does. It listens, allows me to experience, and then, it reminds me: Do not fall. Do not fall. Do not fall. Please.
___________________________________And so I don’t.

Text: Marianne Jaffke, www.originalmaja.de