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Comic Relief Special 2007, "The Catherine Tate Show", Sketch mit David Tennant. Vornehmlich was für DOCTOR WHO Fans.

TRANSCRIPT
(Link zum Originaltranskript)

Student: I can’t believe we got double English!

Lauren: English is well dry.

Student: I don’t see what’s so great about reading anyways.

Lauren: No, reading’s for losers!

Student: Innit though? At least we’ve got a new teacher today!

Lauren: Yeah, right, that’ll be a laugh, wouldn’t it?

The new English teacher enter’s the class room.

English Teacher, with Scottish accent: Morning

Class: Allllll right

English Teacher: As I’m sure you’re aware, my name is Mr. Logan. I’m your new English teacher. Nice to meet you all. Hope you’re all ready to get to grips with some Elizabethan literature. Let’s all turn to page 53 in our poetry text books. I think we’ll dive straight in with the bard himself.

Lauren: Sir?

English Teacher: Yeah?

Lauren: Are you English, sir?

English Teacher: No, I’m Scottish.

Lauren: So you ain’t English then.

English Teacher: No, I’m British.

Lauren: So you ain’t English then.

English Teacher: No, I’m not, but as you can see, I do speak English.

Lauren: But I can’t understand what you’re saying, sir.

English Teacher: Well, clearly, you can.

Lauren: Sorry, are you talking Scottish now?

English Teacher: No, I’m talking English.

Lauren: Right, but… don’t sound like it.

English Teacher: Okay, whatever you want. Now, let’s get on with Shakespeare.

Lauren: I don’t think you’re qualified to teach us English.

English Teacher: I am perfectly qualified to teach English.

Lauren: I don’t think you are though.

English Teacher: You don’t have to be English to teach it.

Lauren: Right. Have we got double English or double Scottish?

English Teacher: Is your name Lauren Cooper, by any chance?

Lauren: Yeah.

English Teacher: Hmm.

Lauren: Why?

English Teacher: Your reputation precedes you.

Lauren: Innit though.

English Teacher: So, Shakespeare’s sonnets…

Lauren: Sir?

English Teacher: ‘sonnet is a poem’

Lauren: Sir?

English Teacher: ‘written in 14 lines’

Lauren: Sir?

English Teacher: ‘the last two of which’

Lauren: Sir?

English Teacher: ‘must form a rhyming couplet.

Lauren: Sir?

English Teacher: Yes, Lauren?

Lauren: Can I ask you a question?

English Teacher: Not just now.

Lauren: Can I ask you a question now?

English Teacher: Just wait.

Lauren: But can I just ask you a question? I only want to ask you a question. Can’t I ask you a question? I’m just asking you a question. Can’t I ASK you a questionnnn?

English Teacher: What is it?

Lauren: Are you the Doctor?

English Teacher: Doctor Who?

The class claps and laughs.

Lauren: Innit though…

English Teacher: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Lauren: You look like Doctor Who though.

English Teacher: I’m not Doctor Who, I’m your English teacher.

Lauren: I don’t think you are though.

English Teacher: Lauren!

Lauren: I think you’re a 945 year old Timelord.

English Teacher: Listen…

Lauren: Did you just pitch up from Mars?

English Teacher: Don’t be ridiculous.

Lauren: You know your house, right …?

English Teacher: What?

Lauren: You know… your house…

English Teacher: Yeah..?

Lauren: Is it bigger on the inside?

English Teacher: Be quiet.

Lauren: Did you park the TARDIS on a meter?

English Teacher: Can we please get back to Shakespeare?

Lauren sits back quiet.

English Teacher: Thank you. So…

Lauren: Do you fancy Billie Piper, sir?

English Teacher: Right! You are the most insolent child I’ve ever had the misfortune to teach!

Lauren: Thank you.

English Teacher: You’re pointless, repetitious, and extremely dull.

Lauren: Bit like Shakespeare.

English Teacher: You are not even worthy to mention his name. William Shakesp…! William Shakespeare was a genius. You, little madam, are definitely not. Now just sit there, keep your mouth shut, or I will fail you in this whole module, right now.

Lauren: Ammist I bovvered?

English Teacher: What?

Lauren: Ammist I bovvered, forsooth?

English Teacher: Lauren….

Lauren: Looketh at my face.

English Teacher: I don’t…

Lauren: Looketh at my face!

English Teacher: Stop it!

Lauren: Is this a bovvered face, thou seeth before thee?

English Teacher: All right, I’m calling your parents.

Lauren: Are you disrespecting the house of Cooper? Are thou calling my mother a pox ridden wench?

English Teacher: Enough!

Lauren: Are thou calling my father a goodly rotten apple?

English Teacher: Lauren!

Lauren: But he ain’t even a goodly rotten apple.

English Teacher: Listen to me.

Lauren: But he ain’t even a goodly rotten apple, though.

English Teacher: That’s enough.

Lauren: Face is…

English Teacher: Lauren?

Lauren: Bovvered…

English Teacher: Lauren, enough.

Lauren: Look at it!

English Teacher: Enough.

Lauren: Look at it!

English Teacher: Stop!

Lauren: My liege…

English Teacher: That’s it.

Lauren: My liege…!

English Teacher: Enough.

Lauren: My liege!

English Teacher: Stop.

Lauren: My liege!

English Teacher: Enough.

Lauren: Bovvered!

English Teacher: Enough

Lauren: Face is!

English Teacher: No more.

Lauren: Bovvered!

English Teacher: That’s it.

Lauren, in Scottish accent: You take the high road, I’ll take the low road.

Lauren, regular voice: I’m not bovvered. I’m not bovvered. Look, face, bovvered. Bovvered. Face. Bovvered. I ain’t even bovvered. My liege, I be not bovvered. Forsooth, I be not bovvered. Face, bovvered, I don’t bovvered, face, bovvered, Shakespeare, sonnets, I ain’t even bovvered.
“My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun. Coral is far more red than her lips' red; If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun; If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head. I have seen roses damask'd, red and white, But no such roses see I in her cheeks; And in some perfumes is there more delight Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks. I love to hear her speak, yet well I know, That music hath a far more pleasing sound; I grant I never saw a goddess go; My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground. And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare, As any she belied with false compare.”
Bite me, alien boy!

The English Teacher reaches into his jacket, pulls out a SONIC SCREWDRIVER and points it at Lauren.

As it sounds and shines bright blue, Lauren’s image begins to waver until she disappears entirely, leaving a Rose action figure in her place.

The Student looks shocked.

English Teacher: That’s better. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Lauren’s voice, high pitched, comes out of the Rose action figure: I still ain’t bovvered!